By Harvey Murray and Edited by Tom Guyton-Day
Hyper-realistic cakes and confectionaries have been a trend for years, with the genre of ASMR-style slicing videos becoming pretty common as of late. That being said, a video in the style has never before gone as viral as the most recent. The video in question, originally posted by BuzzFeed Tasty on the 8th of July, spawned a Twitter frenzy last month, with questions arising regarding both the masterful camouflage baking behind the cakes and the nature of reality. If that shoe, that steak and that houseplant are all cake – then couldn’t everything secretly be cake? Where does it end?! Am I cake?!
These Are All Cakes pic.twitter.com/ejArkJHaid
— Tasty (@tasty) July 8, 2020
As the discussion migrated from what objects are secretly cake to WHO also might be – on the 11th of July I decided that what was missing was the debate around what variety of cake is hiding inside our beloved politicians. Some answers were admittedly more obvious and came to mind more quickly than others. Nonetheless, I thought it would be worthwhile to go over my selections and give some short explanations and justifications – mostly as some appeared to be somewhat more controversial than expected.
*Side-note: I do not endorse any method of verifying that these politicians are or aren’t in fact cake. The burden of proof is on named individuals and them only.
Sir Keir Starmer MP – Red Velvet
Keir Starmer is a delicious and moist red velvet with whipped cream filling. Red – showing that he’s Labour through and through, with the Red/White colour combo symbolising his ‘progressive patriotism’ when alongside his typical blue suit. He’s both the personification and the cake-based embodiment of the Labour movement – cooked to perfection.
Angela Rayner MP – Carrot Cake
The strikingly redheaded Angela Rayner couldn’t be anything other than a carrot cake – not just for obvious, aesthetic reasons, but also because she embodies the carrot cake’s cheery familiarity and almost savoury, dry taste complementing the sweet buttercream – just as Angela brings dry north-western whit to compassionate politics.
The strikingly redheaded Angela Rayner couldn’t be anything other than a carrot cake – not just for obvious, aesthetic reasons, but also because she embodies the carrot cake’s cheery familiarity and almost savoury, dry taste complementing the sweet buttercream – just as Angela brings dry north-western whit to compassionate politics.
Boris Johnson MP – Battenberg
Johnson’s square, pinkish face and shock of pale blond hair can contain nothing other than a spongy Battenberg filling. His ability to reference both classic British grandeur as well as a commercial, packageable likeability makes him a Battenberg through and through. Whether it’s sitting beside an afternoon tea in the West-End or in a Mr Kipling package within the backpack of a scaffolder in Grimsby, Johnson is perfectly at home.
Johnson’s square, pinkish face and shock of pale blond hair can contain nothing other than a spongy Battenberg filling. His ability to reference both classic British grandeur as well as a commercial, packageable likeability makes him a Battenberg through and through. Whether it’s sitting beside an afternoon tea in the West-End or in a Mr Kipling package within the backpack of a scaffolder in Grimsby, Johnson is perfectly at home.
Mark Drakeford MS – Vanilla Cheesecake
Mark Drakeford has risen to national prominence recently with his handling of the pandemic in Wales, with a video of him proclaiming his love of all things cheese going semi-viral in political circles. For that reason, Mr Drakeford is fundamentally a vanilla cheesecake on a traditional Welsh Aberffraw shortbread base. Simple as that.
Layla Moran MP – Lemon Drizzle Cake
Layla Moran just screams yellow. Her campaign to reinvigorate the Liberal Democrats and rebrand liberalism itself is, certainly, an undertaking, much as is getting the consistency right of a drizzle cake without drowning the sponge. Although after her stomach stapling and subsequent enormous weight-loss she may not fancy a bit of cake, I have a strong feeling that the old Layla would be all over a tart slice of Lib Dem yellow lemon drizzle.
Rosena Allin-Khan MP – Coffee and Walnut Cake
With her mixed Polish-Pakistani heritage – Rosena could secretly be a number of baked goods from the especially diverse culinary countries. The dichotomy of Rosena’s medical career with her history of singing and performing demonstrates that there are many sides and flavours to her cake, and as Polish cakes and pastries are often creamy, chocolate covered and brandished with nuts – it is only right that she be made of a substance as rich and articulate as Coffee and Walnut Cake.
Nigel Farage – Fruit Cake
Besides the obvious pun, the hodgepodge of Farage’s views, actions, career choices and morals give off the strongest of fruit cake vibes – not just because it’s only your nan and grandad who like them. Just as you’d hate to see Farage on Question Time more than once a year, you’d hate for a fruit cake to turn up on your table any other day than Christmas. They ought to be saved for special occasions, and even then, may be better off as the dog’s dinner.
Mark Francois MP – Jaffa Cake
Small, filled with jelly, only understood by the British, always thinking it’s more than it is, but ultimately being exactly what is says on the tin; Francois is the Jaffa Cake of politicians.
Caroline Lucas MP – Mint Chocolate Cake
Green and leafy with a refined and bitter sweet chocolatey aftertaste; Caroline Lucas is secretly a Mint Chocolate Cake. Simply put; if she were a chocolate bar, she would be an after eight. If she were an ice-cream, she would be Mint Choc-Chip. Need more be said?
Emily Thornberry MP – Rainbow Cake
Camp, colourful, a little bit cheeky at times but ultimately a crowd-pleaser; Emily Thornberry screams #GayRights and is therefore a brilliantly iced kaleidoscopic rainbow cake.
Jacob Rees-Mogg MP – out-of-date Bread Pudding
I know bread pudding is hardly cake, but Rees-Mogg is hardly a politician. They share an outdated, puritan approach to politics and cuisine respectively, sharing an appeal limited to octogenarian lords of the manor and 19th century factory owners.
Margaret Thatcher (fmr PM) – Plain Ricecakes
Dry as the mouth will permit and abstemious of any grain of flavour; Margaret Thatcher is the pinnacle of eating simply to live rather than living to eat. Devoid of any joy or non-utilitarian purpose, but somewhat comforting in being so.
Ed Miliband MP – Rich Gingercake
Although not a redhead himself, Miliband gives of the same sweet and wholesome grandma-prepared vibes as a fresh homemade Gingercake. They’re not to everyone’s palette, but even those who don’t like them appreciate why others do.
Anneliese Dodds MP – School Dinner Sponge Cake
Anneliese gives off the vibes of a primary school teacher that you can trust with anything. She’s the type that’d let you stay in the classroom to draw during lunch and break. With the greatest flattery intended, she must secretly be a tray of nostalgic school dinner sponge.
David Cameron (fmr PM) – A Cake I found
For Davey Cameron all I can think of is a very specific cake I have seen in the form of a blue piggy with golden coins flowing around it. I imagine he is composed of several of these that have gained sentience, but are drawn to their piggy-bank origins.
Jeremy Corbyn MP – Jam Scone
Just as how scones can be pronounced a number of ways, so can the word ‘Corbyn’ in varying tones of cultish fidelity or scathing disapproval. Whether it’s jam before the cream, cream before the jam, his leadership then Brexit, or Brexit then his leadership – there are controversies surrounding them. But ultimately, they are both old-fashioned, middle-class, run-of-the-mill and English.
Theresa May MP – Victoria Sponge
Although not full of personality, the Victoria Sponge, much like Theresa May, is reliable, loyal, and undeniably British. Also much like May, a Vic Sponge can be dressed and displayed beautifully, despite the contents being rather typical.
In addition to the above, I also included an International Round to the thread, with, for example, Emmanuel Macron being filled with macarons, and Joe Biden being an ageing, dry Madeira Cake. If you want to see others in the thread with more accompanying pictures, or you wish to incite a pile-on because I revealed that your favourite politician is bread pudding, you can visit it on my Twitter Page.
politicians if they were secretly cake: a thread ✨✨
— harvey (@harv_cm) July 11, 2020
Finally, if you are to take any one thing from this is, I would urge it to be that not all is what is seems, and that even the most prominent of celebrities and politicians may secretly be an item of soft sweet food under layers of fondant.
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